I have been doing some serious avoidance. Currently on vacation, I decided I would take this time to really try to relax but also to delve into myself. I have done some relaxing, enjoyed myself, spent time with wonderful people, but I am displeased with how much I am avoiding “The Hard Stuff.”
“The Hard Stuff” are the things you know you need to be doing because they center you but you feel you are better off ignoring because you don’t have to deal with discomfort if you do.. I say better off but I think we all know in actuality, you are not better off. There is a reason why so many things that are the most rewarding are the most difficult or painful. I think we often have to do work to get the gold. Or the silver. Or shit, sometimes the bronze. Life is work.
So, today I decided that I would do that work. I took myself to the park and partially ran the trail. It was hot, I had a good sweat and that was lovely. I have not always been a runner, I wouldn’t even identify as one now. I never understood when people said their body craved running but now I get it. Every so often my body says, “faster!” and I go. And it feels amazing. And my brain becomes a little clearer and a little bit more quiet. My body thanks me.
When I was done running I took my lawn chair out the back of my car and I sat my ass down and forced myself to read and write. I wrote in my journal, attempted to bullet journal for the first time, started an Audre Lorde essay on loving black women, and read two chapters of Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler. (I plan on talking about each of those things on my Instagram).
It was necessary. There’s a stillness that comes with this. The one I be avoiding, the one that makes me feel and think and come to some connection with the things that just feel too inconvenient to deal with. And that, is self care. Because if I really want to maintain my wellness, I have to. We all have to, come to terms with ourselves and connect with what gives us moments of peace, even if we have to slodge a bit through it and even if that peace is tangled with melancholy.
Can you do something today that is hard but rewarding? What can you think of?